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Road to Recovery

I tend to always filter in and out of this place. I make a random angst post and then I leave. Or I make some long speech about how I will do better, I will try to be better.

But all of those posts, all of those self-assuring speeches that have become my excuse to not be better and just try to be better?

I'm done with 'em.

I'm done with trying and hoping and praying that this will all be better in the morning. I'm tired of feeding not only myself but everyone around me the same dumb stupid bullshit of 'I'll try, I promise.' Because let's face it, I keep breaking those promises.

I'm lost. I'm not so proud as to withhold that bit of information to those who happen to stumble across this. I don't know how long I'll be lost, honestly. It's like I'm spinning around blind, reaching out and trying to grasp onto something o-or someone to anchor me, to point me in the right direction but they always slip through my fingers despite my best efforts.

It's a little...no, it's very frustrating.

But I've been on my own emotionally for practically my whole life. It's no a mopey thing, I've just had no one really to help me. My mom is incapable and I don't blame her. The people who did manage to help me are mostly gone from my life now. I have a couple people willing to help, but it's complicated. I still feel like I'm in a chaotic state and I'm unsure of what's going to help me.

I'm really determined to be better this year. No more trying. Just doing. I am going to conquer this year. It is my year. I'm taking it, no more waiting.

This is it.

This is my life.

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That's your nature isn't it?

It's okay. It's okay you can handle this. 

Yes you can handle it.

You're stronger. 

You're stronger.

More confident in yourself.

Your life is on the right track.

Your working towards your goals.

Your art is improving. 

You're okay, don't let it bother you.

You're lying to yourself.

It does bother you.

But that's your nature isn't it?

But no.

You are stronger.

You are trying to be stronger.

For you.

For your family who worries for your future.

For your friends who want you to be happy.

But mostly for you. 

Because you deserve happiness like anyone else. 

You have to keep telling yourself that.

Or you'll fall.

You'll fall and no one will catch you.

It's happened before.

It just can't happen again.

Keep walking.

Keep telling yourself you'll be alright.

Don't cry.

But that's your nature....isn't it?

No, stop.

It's not worth it.

Your desire to be happy is stronger then your wanting to cry.

You cam do this.

Ignore the feeling.

Ignore the feeling that you'll be replaced again.

Because you wont be.

You have to keep telling yourself you wont be.

You have to stop thinking you're inadequate. 

That you're a lost cause.

That you're insane.

You are a good person.

You try your best.

Is it good enough?

Alot of the time you feel it isn't.

But that's your nature isn't it?

That's your nature.

But Goddammit you try.

You fucking try harder then most people would.

You try so hard to convince yourself you're loved and happy and strong.

All the while trying to convince others of the same.

More often then not thinking of their happiness more then yours.

And it's hurt you more then once.

But that's your nature isn't it?

The people pleaser with a tendency to accept blame quickly.

Most people walk all over you, try to manipulate you.

They think you don't realize it.

But you do.

You just let them because you don't want to lose them.

A sad existence?

Maybe.

Does it hurt?

Always.

But you'd do anything to keep those closest to you.

Even if it means daily pain.

Your a cancer after all.

With your tough shell and sensitive insides.

Your emotional but tough.

You wont take shit if someone attacks your friends.

And even if someone attacks you you'll deflect it.

But it'll hurt alot.

Your the cancer.

That's your nature isn't it?

You want affection but it's hard for you to give yours.

You want someone with you all the time but you don't want them to resent you for it.

You want undivided love but cannot trust easily.

The scars wont let you.

The memories wont let you.

The past wont let you.

You'll still try though.

Even though you're not sure who you are.

Even though you're not sure if they'll leave you.

Even though you're not sure if you're strong enough.

This time you are.

This time you wont cry.

You'll ignore how you're feeling and distract yourself with things that make you happy.

Your fictional characters.

Your drawings.

Your friends.

But deep down you know it's futile.

All your trying, all your striving, all your lying.

But that's alright.

That's your nature, isn't it?

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Because I really don't give a fuck, y'know?

But seriously...I guess it's just to fill a void that quitting Twitter left.

Or more accurately...filling a void that being abandoned by my so-called "Twitter famiry" left.


Iunno. Like...I can put on my tough cancer-esque shield and say how I disliked the cliques that ended up happening. The really known artists who befriended the not as known but still awesome artists and they kind of became their own thing and joined the same groups. Or even if they didn't, if they took months of hiatus they'd come back and be Gods.

And the middleish artists who clung to them and clung just enough so that they'd be included and mentioned and invited to private groups and whatnot. 

Or the artists who became bestfriends and didn't really need anyone else. Just themselves. But they'd still be included because everyone remembers them and how awesome they were.

But what happened to me? I eventually got ignored. Or I guess perhaps not ignored (I may be using that word too harshly) but neglected. No one can convince me that didn't happen. Once I dropped out of specific groups no one really payed much attention to me.

It hurt at first, then it just annoyed me, and then I just...felt sad. 

Like what was all that character building for? What was the point in becoming friends if you don't even speak to me anymore?

I doubt any of you miss me.

If someone mentions me you're probably like "Oh yeah, I remember her" but I doubt anyone would go out of their way to talk to me.

It sucks because what do I have to show for it? Characters that don't get much rp time anymore. A feeling like I've been abandoned by a family because I had a life and I couldn't be on 24/7 and I didn't like every idea the higher ups puked out.

Yeah, I'm bitter about it. Yeah I think too much about it. But it hurt so fucking sue me.

I don't know what I'm doing.

It really hurts when I don't talk to you. Like...I don't know I feel guilty and I want to curl up because I don't like it when I'm not talking to you.

It's not like with my other friends. I can talk to them whenever and it doesn't really matter. We just pick up convos that we had days before. I don't have to see or speak to them for days and it's all good. 

But I want your constant company. I want you constantly talking to me. You're the only one willing to because you feel the same way. Or at least I think you do.

I don't know maybe it's just me. I know you always say you're thinking about me but is that the same as wanting to talk to me all the time? Because I'm depressing and I rant a lot. Hell I've ranted to you like twice today and yet here I am ranting again.

And even though I'm annoyed I still want to talk to you. But you seem annoyed or indifferent so I let time pass because if I had responded right away then I might have snapped.

But now it's like over an hour later and I just feel like shit because you haven't said anything either but I don't want to dampen whatever mood you're in by being my usual moody self.

I just really don't like it when I'm not talking to you for whatever reason. It's silly and as much as I don't like it, that's just who I am.

Vulenarable

Sorry for anybody who looks at my journal and says "Oh hey, maybe she wont be depressing today!" 

I mean it's not necessarily depressing, but I will be talking about my ex. Once we started talking again he started looking at these haha, well it's only natural since I had told him I had posted quite a few about him, the nosy little bugger. I'm assuming he doesn't anymore since...well...

Anyway. Going to try and get this started!

This nostalgia is chilling me to the boneCollapse )

I kind of wish...I hadn't formatted this journal like I was talking to you face to face. It kind of makes this whole thing more sad.

As if there wasn't enough sadness in this journal.

 

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Unforgiven

I had a dream earlier. It was pretty vivid. And...well...I'm vastly relieved that not a lot of people pay attention to my journal. Even though I put the link up on my DA, I still find not a lot of people come here (unless they are forever!lurkers.)

I don't expect a comment on this...maybe a text from Evelyn but..well anyway I better get this started, hm?

I hate that I love you.Collapse )



I don't know what happened after that. I know I started crying again and he still held me. But...I woke up shortly after that because my family came home. I kept my eyes closed but...my breathing had turned heavy and fast, like I had been crying. I stared at the back of my eyelids and listened dumbly as my mom explained what happened at my brothers soccer game.

It's horrible that I still love you. How I still see you as "the one", when you want nothing to do with me. I hate this dream. I hate it because all of my vivid dreams are ones that are complete fantasy with murderers and monsters trying to kill me. I hate how this one...felt so real. It felt like you were holding me... like I had wished for in those three years we were together. I still can feel your arms around me, your voice in my ear, your breathing in sync with mine.

And I hate it.

But I don't hate you.

Uhm...chapter one?

Okay uh, well over the past year (no, probably more) I have been obsessed with this amazing--and I do not use that word lightly--girls fanfic. essbeejay</lj> it's called More than Human, otherwise known to her better fans as TEF (or The Epic Fic). It may...damn well be the best thing I have read in my life, I shit you not.

In fact she has gotten me so hooked on it that I went on a rampage to looks for other fics of the like and found a handful of neat writers.

And as a result of all that, made me want to start something myself.

Now, when I pictured myself writing for a fandom way back when, The Powerpuff Girls was definitely not on my list. But sure enough here I am attempting to write for it.

This is my first time writing for characters that I haven't rp'd with so characterization wise? I probably butchered them.

I don't even know what this is, but if you're not a fan of the fandom (or my writing) don't look please.

What am I even doing?Collapse )
I am...totally...at a loss.

I want to just...give up and start over.

College.

Friends.

My entire fucking life.

There are so many things I regret. I hate that I do because I don't want to have regrets. I want to look ahead, not in the past. I want to be better, I want to be a success. I want to show everyone that I have the motivation and determination to do this.

But I'm questioning if I do.

I can't count how many classes I've misses...it's not even homework! It's just...it's fucking class. It's getting up and having enough motivation to actually go. I hate that no one can force me because honestly I'd rather that.

I told myself college would be a fresh start for me...that I'd be able to pull it off because I wanted success so bad.

Damn, was I wrong. Because I'm pulling the same fucking shit in college that I did in highschool.

I know I want to be a success, I know I don't want to flunk or look like a loser or end up at some dead weight job for the rest of my life.

So why am I skipping. I mean...I do the homework. I just...don't go to class and without enough hours I'll flunk out and prove to my mom that I can't handle this. That I wasn't ready and that I needed her.

I don't even know what to do anymore. I don't want to flunk but I have food midterms today and I know I'm going to fail. It's not me being pessimistic it's...just...I know it. I feel like such a goddamned loser right now...it may only be halfway through the semester but this stuff counts. It's what I want to do with my life. And...I'm failing at it.

This is all my fault, I'm not naive to that fact but it doesn't make it any better.

I'm tired all the time, and I don't want to do anything but sleep and draw.

The drama that surrounded me these past couple of months didn't help but I let myself get wrapped too much around that. Friends are more important to me then school. My friends are my family, so I don't really see it as. "Oh I should have been focusing more on school."

I don't know I'm just...extremely lost right now...I want to keep trying but I wonder if it's too late...

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Strangers

Can't count how many times I've seen your name pop up on my msn in the past few days. I'd always make up excuses not to say hi this time around though.

"I'm using my phone's msn so the service will be bad and I'll probably have to type the same thing over and over again."

"She's never on for long, what if I only get one of those awkward 5 minute convos"

or the classic

"She's probably busy, I'll come back later"

Before I was jumping at every opportunity to talk to you because I was so excited that I had /finally/ gotten my mind sorted out and that I could try again.

But then...you treated me like a stranger. You weren't mean, you never are to strangers. But...it felt almost worse. You treated me like everyone else in there.

And...it confirmed my suspicions.

And it hurt me so much.

So much that I cried later for almost an hour. I couldn't stop and I hated it.

You are still so precious to me, but now it's like trying to catch smoke in my hands.

And I deserve it, I know but...it still hurts.

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Only one

I feel like...I'm flailing around in the ocean, but no matter how hard I try to get to breathe I just keep drowning.

I wont ever give up. I know it may be pointless at this point. Two years I wasn't there. 4 years of friendship I lost sight of.

It's my fault and you may not even consider me what you used to. And maybe you're at peace now.

But I wont ever stop trying,  no matter how much I drown.